Quit Scamming Me

In any other instance, three job offers in one day would be pretty sweet. Of course, in my predicament (or any recent college grad’s), I have to raise an eyebrow and question these proposals. Perhaps two eyebrows. Especially if they contacted me without seeing my musical cover letter. I mean, c’mon– nobody contacts me otherwise.

However, my suspicions were initially overshadowed by mere excitement and curiosity. An email with “Job Offer for Monster Listing #(insert random number)” in the subject line set my double-clicking instincts on edge. My heart began to race. My hands got sweaty. Mom’s spaghetti.

I guess they caught me off guard in my unemployed state. I picture these recruiters not as human beings, but as soulless entities, not unlike Agent Smith from the Matrix. Like a Venus Flytrap, these recruiters let out the sweet scent of a job offer which ultimately masked the terrible, terrible mandibles of (most likely) some cold calling or sales job. I’ve done cold calling and I’d rather gouge my eyes out. Thank God for the internet, Google and its most reliable anonymous employer reviews.

After several seconds of Googling these fine corporations, skepticism began to set in. I soon began to feel worse than before I even knew these offers existed. It was unflattering and almost offensive– these companies trying to take advantage of me in my post-college-seeking-employment-in-a-crap-economy state.

One place had an average review of 1 star (out of 5) from over 30 reviews. One person actually said they’d rather poke their eyes out than work there again. Hey! We can relate!

So yeah, this is just my advice to those college grads who might be reading this and are currently job seeking. You’re probably smart enough to know not to go for these types of offers, but you never know. Unless you’ve submitted an application to a place that contacts you with a proposal, don’t take a job offer from them. Unless they’re a well known company– in which case jump on that.

I mean, c’mon– what type of company would be looking to sign up inexperienced college graduates before even meeting them?

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A Very Frustrating Pickle

My parents tell me to relax. To enjoy not working. “You’ll be working the rest of your life,” Dad says when I trudge into his artwork studio that is adjacent to my bedroom, voicing my woes about the job search process that is much like a roller-coaster.

The truth is, I can’t really enjoy myself unless I know for certain that either a.) I’m being productive to deserve this enjoyment or b.) have something lined up that will, in the long run, be productive. Plus, believe it or not, enjoyment usually involves money and the spending of such.

I suppose my job hunt adventures could fall under category “b,” but the uncertainty of actually getting something after every prospect is killing me. I have a bottle of Korbel champagne waiting in my fridge. It was originally supposed to be for my acceptance into the JET (Teaching in Japan) program, but being on the indefinite wait-list has let the alcohol age indefinitely. I bet that on the day I finally get a job offer, the JET program will call up and say that an opening has freed up for me, in which case I will proceed to smash the bottle of champagne over my head and go on an angry Korbel rampage.

Undoubtedly more important than the monetary component of a new job is that I need to meet and interact with people. It’s that simple. I fricking love my hometown of Medfield, Massachusetts, but it’s like grandparents– you won’t be hanging out after 6 p.m. I would meet up with my high school friends, but they’re off doing their own things, whether it be jobs or grad school. And visiting them (especially NYC dwelling pals) really burns a hole in the wallet. See the pickle I’m in?

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Music-Video Resume

Problem: I wrote too many cover letters. After awhile, I wondered if anyone was actually reading them or just crumpling them up into little paper basketballs. I’m assuming it was the latter, because I did get relatively creative with my prose in several of the applications. Creative enough at least to maybe–just maybe–get a human (not automated) email response letting me know my application was received. But no, my thirty-minute generated prose was probably scrunched into a ball and deflected off the wastebasket rim like my hopes (and odds) of scoring a job.

Solution: I made a Musical Cover Letter / Resume!

I remember hearing somewhere that if you want to get noticed, make a music video. I also remember reading about some guy who got hired for a company because he designed a whole website dedicated to why the corporation should hire him. Essentially, he was applying for the job in a unique, creative way that illustrates what he can do for the company. It’s really two messages rolled up in creativity. So I was inspired by both ideas and made a music video resume. I tried to balance professionalism with humor (it’s basically how I operate anyway) with what I know how to do (write a fairly decent tune).

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